Saturday, March 15, 2014

The Emotional Side of TTC

Let me just start off my saying this is my outlet for most things emotional pertaining to trying to conceive. After almost a year of being silent to all but my husband I am ready to start sharing about our experience. While this blog isn't attached to my face book and I won't be sharing it with friends it just feels good to share my thoughts and get my emotions out of my head. I am sure that if we do end up conceiving I will share our journey, but for now this is my sharing.

Those first couple of months that we were trying to start our family were so exciting and filled with hope. I am sure that every couple feels this those first couple months. I tricked myself into thinking on more than one occasion that I had to be pregnant. No one knew that we were trying to start a family for 8 months. We thought it would be our little secret and then one day we would get to share the happy news with everyone and surprise them with our happy news. We thought of different and unique ways that we could make our announcement.

 It was month 5 or 6 when I really started to be concerned because we hadn't conceived yet. Each month I would get hopeful and after 31 or 32 days I would take a pregnancy test only to have it be negative. Months 9-11 I didn't even test, I just waited for my period to start. At about month 8 I was used to the failed month and we didn't get upset each month anymore.

In reading about trying to conceive and infertility (though as of now we are not diagnosed as infertile and I don't claim to even know or feel anything that one who has been trying for years feels) I read about the holidays being a difficult time for those who are so eager to conceive. I didn't imagine it would be so for us because it hadn't even been a year yet.

It was the night after Thanksgiving that it hit us though. My sister and brother in law sent a text saying that they were going to stop over because my niece wanted to see us. We were so excited and got ready to get out the few toys we have for when they came over. When they got to our house my sister in law said that the kids had gotten new shirts and wanted to know what we thought. I immediately looked at my niece's shirt and complimented her on the cute puppy dog that adorned her purple shirt. I then looked to my nephew and caught the message at the same time as my husband. The shirt said, Worlds best big brother, or something like that. Regardless, that was their pregnancy announcement to us that they were expecting again. I remember feeling the biggest lump in my throat and somehow managed to say congrats to them. We then asked a few questions about how far along they were and what not. After what was very few minutes they were then heading out the door, apparently the visit wasn't to be long lives. As soon as they left I remember breaking down in tears. It's not that I wasn't happy to have another niece or nephew, it was just that I imaged we were going to be the next one with the announcement. My husband did a wonderful job of comforting me even though he was hurting too.

After we found out about my new niece or nephew we went over to my mother in laws house the next day. We talked about it and she was weird-ed out because we were not ecstatic about the news. K told her on the way out of the door that they weren't the only ones trying and we were both upset again. She said that it takes longer for others, not just one month. We explained to her that we had already been trying for 8 months. At least it was nice to have someone we can talk about it to.

I couldn't believe the way that I felt. I even remember feeling resentment for my sister in law and saying crazy things like they should have waited longer, they need more time with just the two, etc. This feeling was quite the way I stayed during the holidays. I did feel better before Christmas because I had just seen my gyno and we has somewhat of a "plan" of action, so I was happy for that.

Slightly before that announcement we found out one of K's other cousins was expecting. Then we heard about my sister and brother in law and then found out two other cousins were expecting too. It is really hard being pretty much the only child bearing aged lady on both sides of the family to not be pregnant or just have had a baby.

Then it just gets funny when you are at a birthday party and everyone is talking about babies and K's aunt tells us that she is ready for twins as he is holding two of her great nephews. You see, I am a twin, and my mother was too, so it kind of runs in the family and that's what everyone is expecting from us. I was horrible and simply stated back to her that she better get trying for them then. It just came out, usually I am not so good at zingers. So...funny thing is with clomid there is more of a chance of having wouldn't it be ironic......and wonderful!


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