Saturday, May 10, 2014

Lack of the title "Mother", Blues of the waiting game

I tend to be a pretty positive person. I always like to think of my glass as half full and try to look for the best in any situation. I have been very blessed by God to have this spirit of a positive spirit, and I know this is a blessing that not everyone is capable of having in their lives.

Both my mother and my father have suffered from extreme depression in my lifetime. Growing up this was not easy to deal with. As a child it was hard to understand why they couldn't just be happy. It was hard to figure out why they would spend endless time in bed, and not be able to make a meal for their children, to help their children get dressed and off to school, or keep the house clean. Since growing up I have learned a lot about depression and realized that this is probably the reason for much of the lack of attention to their children.

I can be pretty hard-hearted sometimes and often think that people use their disabilities as a crutch and should do more to help themselves and those around them. I have tried to become more sympathetic toward those that have disabilities but also encourage people advocating for themselves, getting themselves help, and working to make the most of their lives. As a teacher I do not want my students to think that life is going to give them chance after chance because they didn't have control of themselves that day and have not advocated for themselves.

Anyway, this brings me to my current state. I feel very, very sad. I try very hard to not get into these moods because I know it is not good for my mental health and I don't want to live in a state of depression, or even a woe-is-me state. I believe this current state of mind is for a couple of different reasons. First, by this time this month I hoped that we would be into the start of the new fertility plan that we met at the beginning of April to establish. For this new plan to happen I have to get my period, which doesn't seem to be coming and I don't know when it will. Not only am I not getting my period but I am also not getting a positive pregnancy test. I honestly didn't expect for this month to suddenly be the month we got pregnant, because it didn't happen the 12 month prior either. I honestly didn't expect to still be waiting though. I hate the waiting game. The second reason for my mood is because tomorrow is mother's day. I didn't expect for these feelings to be so strong about not being a mother yet, but the water works are very evident today. I thought that we would either have a baby, be very pregnant, or at least be pregnant but this month this year.

Tonight I tried to squash these feelings while I was making dinner, however I couldn't. I went to my husband for a hug and I started crying terribly. He tried discussing my feelings with me, but he is a guy, he just doesn't get girls and their emotions. Of course he goes with saying, "it will happen when it is supposed to." It is so funny that he is the other half of this infertile couple and says the things that infertile couples hate to hear most. I tried to explain my feelings to him, and he replies with several statements that just kind of make things worse. I try to explain my frustration with my body that just won't do what it is supposed to.

I feel a little better now, I am just tired of the unknown. I wish something would just happen so we can move on with our plan. I like a plan. I know that God is trying to teach us something or make us wait for some reason and that I just need to wait. We pray everyday, several times a day for the Father's will to be done and revealed to us. I know God is trying to stretch my patience, I just pray that he would let us in on his plan so we can make it part of ours.

I wish all mothers a happy mother's day. I wish birth mothers, those who have adopted, fostered, mothered children who are not their own, those who carry their babies, lost their babies, and long for babies a happy mother's day.

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